Kitty Cuisinart, I Choose YOU

So today I decided to pet my cat, Thumper. Mostly because he insisted, like he does most mornings at some point.

Doesn't he look so sweet and innocent?

Don't let that fool you. He's known as Psycho Kitty by my friends, and for a brief moment in time I forgot that.

Most of the time he hops on my lap, allows me to pet him, then descends to disappear to wherever he spends time when he's hiding from the dogs, or humans, or Darren. So today seemed like nothing new when he came to my desk and began stropping against my legs.

I should have kept an eye on the tail, though. That's usually a dead giveaway.

I don't know what I did, or who did what to him, but he decided about five seconds in that he was going to maul the shit out of me.

Hell, I even fell for the "pet my belly" trick because I was distracted thinking about my WIP. It was just like sticking my hand into, well...

Yeesh. Kitty is pissed. Maybe because I gave Precious (our elderly dog) pets first? Eh, it's not like I understand what they're thinking or anything.

Maybe I should just keep my hands on the keyboard.

One of the Lovely Things About Being Over Forty

Yes, I've been sick. Yes, I've been a LOUSY blogger. But I haven't forgotten about blogging, I just haven't had the pain management or the energy levels to write something. Next week I'll post about my upcoming release, Indirect Lines, but for now I wanted to dip my toes back in the water with a short, funny bit that's been floating around in my head for a while now.

There are a few things they don't tell you when you're approaching the big four-oh, let alone what's going to happen to your body as you stumble your way through your forties. I'm forty-seven now, and I tremble in fear of what forty-eight has in store for me. This is just one of the lovely things about being over forty:

What Happened to My Boobs?

The first thing that changes when you leave your thirties? Your boobs. Your love bags. Those things on the front of your chest that used to be perky and bright. Remember them?

Yeah, I hope you took a picture. They'll never look like that again without a shit-ton of plastic under your skin.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like my boobs just fine. But perky only happens with my ponytail these days. At my age, a booby check isn't to look for lumps. Nope. That's called a booby squish, aka a mammogram. Nope. A booby check is to make sure my nipples are both facing the same direction.

And can we mention sag? Oh, yeah. I love the thought that by the time I'm sixty I'll be able to tuck them into my waistband.

Hmm. Then again, it might save me some money...

Aw Crap. My Dad Was Right About That...

So, maybe it was the chat about M wanting a toy called Doggie Doo, but I saw this and had to post it: 

Dad was right. NEVER swallow your bubblegum!

Anatomy of a Forum Troll

Good morning everyone, and happy Saturday!

So, yeah, I read on-line comics. What can I say? I'm a geek. Anyway, I was reading my comics and went to GU Comics, one of my favorite gaming comics (I play World of Warcraft and, recently, Dungeons and Dragons Online... see? Geek). Have you ever wondered about the anatomy of the Forum Troll? That elusive creature that pops into the middle of a discussion, wreaks havoc upon the members, and then disappears once more into the shadows, never to be heard from again until someone once again says something they don't like?

Well, Woody answered that question so well I nearly spewed soda all over my Alienware. Take a look if you don't believe me: http://www.gucomics.com/comic/ . (And in case he updates it before you get to it, since I can't seem to get a direct link to the picture, the comic is called "A Very Special GU".)

It's Stuck In There

Have you ever gotten a song stuck in your head and nothing you do will get it out?

The Chipmunks: Christmas Don't Be Late. You'd think it would be songs from Chicken Little running through my head, since that movie has been M's latest kick (and actually had bands I LIKE), but oh, no. My brain has to boogie to the LAST movie kick M had.

Gah. How the heck am I supposed to write two love scenes to The Chipmunks? And one of those scenes is between Bunny and Julian! Two big strong guys humping to Alvin, Simon and Theodore. It's actually worse than Mousercize.

Rum Pa Pum Pum

So I remembered something today, and learned something today.

I remembered that I don't like rum. What reminded me? I ordered a Mai Tai in Red Robin tonight. (Don't worry, Dusty drove.) It was very, very rum-y. It kinda tasted like the bartender took some rum, added some ice, and then did some funky stuff with red and yellow food coloring and called it a Mai Tai.

What I learned tonight? The more Mai Tai I drink, the more I like rum.

Remind me to stick to Mudslides. I think they're less dangerous.

My Voice Has Fallen And It Can't Get Up

I've lost my voice due to this stupid head cold everyone in my extended family seems to have. Which means R and M will probably take full advantage of the fact that Mommy can't yell at them (I mean, God knows I did when I was their age). While my mother would laugh and say "Ain't karma a bitch?", I kinda feel like this:

Uber Leet... Not

Look! It's... it's...

UBER DORK!


Yup, that's me in a blue wig and a witch's hat. Do I not look nifty?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

(Now back to Ghost Hunters...)

Happy Halloween, Maxine Style

ROFLMAO

I believe I have mentioned once or twice that I like to play MMORPG's (Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games) and other video games, like Neverwinter Nights and Diablo. Recently, I tried the Crack of MMORPG's: World of Warcraft (aka WoW).

On the down side, I wasn't that impressed. (Yes, I know, I'm a heretic.) To me it just seemed like yet another in a long line of fantasy MMO's. Been there, done that, already defeated the lich.

On the upside, because WoW has such a huge community, you get some interesting things out of it. Like player-made videos on YouTube. Some of that stuff is freaking hilarious. Now, EverQuest II (the fantasy MMO I was playing originally) also has some pretty good videos, one of which I plan on posting around Christmas.

But this one, this one has stuck in my head. You have a Muppet song (how can you go wrong with Muppets?), bulls in armor, a warhammer, and l33t-speak.

Anyone who knows the difference between WTS, WTB, WTG and WTF will know exactly what I'm talking about.

I present you with: ROFLMAO.

(P.S.: For those of you who don't play MMO's, WTS=Want To Sell; WTB=Want To Buy; WTG=Want To Go, and WTF=... I think you know.)

In Order To Be A Successful Blogger...

I read an article recently about how to become a successful blogger. The number one way? Write a post every day.

Um.

My life just isn't that exciting, and when it is, I'm too damn busy to blog. "Hours of boredom followed by moments of stark terror" would about sum it up.

So, here's what I would blog if I did it every day:

Monday
Ick. Nuff said.

Tuesday
New release day and No Boundaries refresh day! And M, put that down! You could put someone's eye out.

Wednesday
Cookies!

Thursday
Friday Eve and No Boundaries refresh day! (R, why oh why did you pick trombone? Flutes are nice, not girly!)

Friday
Wait... was I supposed to write this week?

Saturday
Quick, hide! The kids are home!

Sunday
Pajama Sunday/Ravioli day. Unless we're at Nana's. Then she expects odd things like "clothing" and "shoes".


Yeah. That about sums it up.

So I doubt I'll ever be a "successful" blogger, but at least when I post you know it's because I have something to say or share, right? Right?

C'mon, throw me a bone here, people!

Oh, all right. Would it help if I told you I was contemplating a "Free Read" entry once a week? Just not on Tuesdays and Thursdays; I'm busy reading TA Chase's blog that day...

AHHHHHHHHHGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!

Ahem.

Some of you may be aware, I'm not fond of bugs. At all.

So I'm sitting here, in front of my laptop, with my laptop tray, watching Hi-5 with my four year old, when I feel something tickle my breast. "Ah," I think, "That damn mosquito again. Gotcha!" And I lifted my shirt away...

...to find a little black spider crawling out of my bra.

"AHHHHHGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!"

My husband would be glad to know that I now hold the new record for "quickest divestment of clothing in a non-life-threatening situation".

I am now sitting here, scratching at every available surface of skin and trying to explain to my four year old that Mommy is okay. She's fine. She's just not happy a spider tried to build a condo in her undergarments.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation...

1. Managed not to kill the children and eat them.
2. Went to Disney World and discovered the wonderful power of the Electronic Scooter. Whee!
3. Discovered that pre-school in my area costs an arm, leg, and your soul.
4. Dyed my hair blue, then purpley-pink.
5. ...

So, are you wondering about number 4? Wanna see?

Before you shake your heads and sigh (like my mother) or say, "What the hell did you do to your hair?!?" (like my father) or tell me "You know, this is why I get paid to do hair" (like my sister), just remember, they already said it.

Manic Panic Ultra-Violet was the first one I tried, and it came out blue. Then, after two washes, it just came out. So I don't have any pictures, since it was in my hair long enough to for me to wonder, how do purple and red make blue?

Manic Panic Vampire Red, however, seems to be sticking around for the duration. As fuschia. NOT red. Although Dusty will argue with his dying breath that it's light red, not pink, because real men don't say pink.

Now, I won't lie to you: I had hoped the purple would stick, because I really wanted purple streaks in my hair. But I promised my oldest boy (who detests purple) that I would give the red a try.

Well, son, I tried it. Hope you like pink. (And don't listen to your father OR grandfather... fuchsia is PINK!)

A Day In The Life

8 a.m. : "MOOOOM! One of the cats snagged a meatball from last night, and there's pasta sauce all over the carpet! EWWW!"

8:10 a.m.: "MOOOM! Do you have to run the Bissel now?"

8:30 a.m.: "MOOOOM! Are you done yet? I'm hungry."

8:45 a.m.: "MOOOOM! I found a spot you missed!"

9:00 a.m.: "MOOOOM! The sofa's wet? Why'd you shampoo that?"

9:30 a.m.: "MOOOOOM! He won't let me play video games! Yeah, there are four other TV's, but my game's hooked up to this one!"

9:45 a.m.: Mom finally gets breakfast after informing children that if she doesn't get five minutes of peace she'll list them on Ebay.

9:55 a.m.: "MOOOOM! He banged my head!"

10:00 a.m.: "MOOOOM! Can I have a snack?"

10:15 a.m.: "MOOOOM! He ate my snack!"

10:30 a.m.: Mom is wishing she had a Xanax.

11:30 a.m.: Little one is playing battering ram on Mommy's belly while older one explains the wonders of DigiMon.

11:45 a.m.: "MOOOOM! I can't get Cartoon Network on my computer!"

12:00 p.m.: "MOOOOM! Where's my sound?" Mom puts headphones on child's head. "Oh. THANK YOU!"

12: 15 p.m.: Inform chat friend and beta reader that if Mom is seen on the evening news not to be too surprised.

12: 30 p.m.: "MOOOOM! I defeated a Huge BOSS in my video game? Wanna hear all about it?"

12:45 p.m.: "MOOOM! The dog has to go out!"

1:00 p.m.: "Honey, aren't you supposed to be done work for the day? What? What did I say? And why are you growling? Oh, and when are you making lunch? I'm hungry."

Mousercize!

Our little one asked Mommy to put him on Disney's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse site online. Mommy did. Mommy is beginning to regret it. He's got the same songs looping over. And over. And over. My personal favorite is:

Mousercize, Mousercize,
Let's get started bouncing guys!
We do it every day!
Everybody work out Mickey's way!

Mousercize, Mousercize,
Soon you won't believe your eyes!
Says Mickey when you rise,
C'mon everybody, MOUSERCIZE!

Picture trying to write love scenes to that. I dare you. Admittedly, it's... rhythmic. I'll give it that. But for some reason I feel both dirty and lazy trying to write love scenes to this. Especially when the little one starts to sing along.

And then there's listening to Mickey singing "Blow the Man Down", and I just lose it.

The HTML Blues, Round Two

Today we learned the basics of hand-coding HTML in Notepad.

For some bizarre reason it worked a heck of a lot better than doing it in Word.

Le. Sigh.

I can see my future now, full of < /p >'s and <>'s.

However, I have a template that acutally works in Yahoo!Groups! YAY!

Mostly...

I mailed it to myself, and viola! No funky characters, no trademark infringements, and no urge to break out the melted cheddar dip. BUT (of course, you knew there was a but) the stupid Yahoo! advertisements cover half of the header.

My children are in the room. I shall refrain from the words that wish to drip, poisonous and vile, from my lips, since I've been working on this since ten a.m. (it's currently five-fifty p.m.).

Deep breaths. I'm going to recreate the testing group I'd made, and see if there's a way to turn OFF the ads. If not... if not, someone in YaHell is gonna get a size seven boot to the ass.

HTML... AKA, Hate This Muy Lots...

I've had some people ask me where they can sign up for my newsletter recently.

Newsletter? Uhhh.... Right! Let me get on that...

So I'm taking a class on how to build an HTML newsletter. The instructor, Ana Thierry, knows her stuff. I managed to get the newsletter built using Word, copying and pasting into my Yahoo!Group's HTML editor. I patted myself on the back, proud that I'd gotten that far, and mailed it out.

The pictures don't show up.

Gah.

Okay, figured out how to fix THAT little problem. The HTML thought the source file was the doc I'd used to create the newsletter, rather than the actual online location of the pictures. A little judicious cut and paste, and viola! The pictures appeared.

Then, this happened:

Emma Carter has been in love with Max Cannon since high school, but he barely knew she existed. Now she runs her own unique curio shop, and she’s finally come out her shell and into her own.

When Max returns to his small home town to take up his duties as the Halle Pride’s Alpha, he finds that shy little Emma has grown up. That small spark of something he’d always felt around the teenager has blossomed into something moreâ€"his mate!

Taking her “out for a bite†ensures that the luscious Emma will be permanently his.

But Max’s ex has plans of her own. Plans that don’t include Emma being around to interfere. To keep her Alpha, Emma must prove to the Pride that she has what it takes to be Max’s mate.

Is it me, or does that not look right?

Oh, it looks wonderful on the group. Colors are excellent, pictures show up beautifully. Email it out, however, and it falls like a bad souffle, made with mashed potatoes and tortilla strips.

(Damn you, Bravo, for your marathons! Now I'm addicted to Top Chef!)

Monica Burns, a really lovely lady who does her own banner ads in HTML, suggested that I copy the text unformatted into Word (because, duh, when I copy/pasted it from the Samhain website it was showing up as Normal (Web)). That should have fixed the problem.

Nope. Oy. It still looks like half the text is Trademarked. Somebody pass me the salsa.

Since I don't really speak the arcane language of HTML, I have to figure out why something that looks stunning on the Yahoo! group looks like absolute feces when I mail it out. It probably has to do with the way the Yahoo! group interprets the HTML code, or it adds something in, or subtracts something... or I'm talking out my butt and need help.

Hey, Ana? Ana? You still there?

HELP! My HTML has fallen... oh, never mind. No way I'm finishing that joke.

Caffeine Addict

Dusty beat me, but then, I always knew he had delusions of god-like power. (Sniff.)

The Caffeine Test

Created by OnePlusYou

Damn. I was shooting for Delusions of Godhood...

Feeling Better, and Funny Picture

I know I've complained a few times (cough lots cough) recently about the stupid Head Cold That Wouldn't Die (or HCTWD for short). Well, as of yesterday I'm definitely feeling better.

I went through some of my pictures looking for something totally unrelated to the HCTWD, and I found a picture that made me grin, considering how many of my friends and family have also been suffering the Dayquil Blues. Before I head off into Lala Land with a good book, I thought I'd share it with you. I found it on Lolcats, aka Icanhascheezburger: