Before I start, let me give you a little background info:
I have two beautiful boys whom I love very much. The eldest turns nine (NINE! OMG!) this month; the other turns forty-seven... er, four, in June.
They are know respectively as Rotten and Evil. (Don't worry, they know it's a joke; they giggle when I call them that. In fact, I accidentally called Rotten Evil once, and he corrected me.)
Dusty and I have been attempting to potty train Evil. He is remarkably resistant to threats, bribes, and attempts to park him on "da toilet". He's gone so far as to do the "cat about to be dumped in the tub" splaying of limbs to keep me from putting him on "da toilet". So I've been trying to reason with him.
Yeah. I know. It's been... fun.
Here's a sample of our conversations with Mr. Four-Going-On-Forty-Seven:
Mommy: "Baby, wanna pee in da toilet?"
Mommy: "Baby, c'mon. Go pee in da toilet."
Evil (in that tone of voice three year olds reserve for really dumb parents): "No. Dia. Per."
Mommy (sighing): "Sweetheart, do you want to ride the school bus?"
Evil (eyes lighting up, because anything Rotten does has got to be cool): "Yeah!"
Mommy: "Do you want to go to school like (insert real name here)?"
Mommy (triumphantly): "Then you have to pee in da toilet!"
Evil (tilts head, thinks for a moment): "I drink from cup first."
He goes, gets a red plastic cup, puts some water in it, and drinks like a pro.
Evil: "Now I go to school?"
Mommy (sounding remarkably like a three year old): "No, baby. You have to pee in da toi. Let!"
Evil: "No. Dia. Per!"
My mom said my first mistake was making it a dialog instead of stripping him nekkid and parking his butt on "da toilet".
When was the last time you tried to put a forty-two pound angry octopus somewhere it didn't want to go?
I even tried taking his favorite stuffed animal, affectionately known as Monkey, and having it go potty a 'la Dr. Phil.
He put a diaper on it.
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." Ron White
"So let me get this straight. You want me to kill the little guys, kill the big guys, crowd control those I can't, buff the team, debuff the boss, keep myself alive, AND keep you alive, all while waving a stick and dressed in a towel?" - Anonymous Role Playing Gamer
"I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. The statement is, "Well, shit." - Varric, Dragon Age II
"Why is it all claws and guns? Can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey. Bunnies." - Joker, Mass Effect
"Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" - Dilbert
"Aim at the high mark and you will hit it. No, not the first time, not the second time and maybe not the third. But keep on aiming and keep on shooting for only practice will make you perfect. Finally you'll hit the bull's-eye of success." - Annie Oakley
"It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly." - Flemeth, aka The Witch of the Wilds, Dragon Age 2
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'” - George Carlin
"I hear there's a wild bridge tournament down the street. And you know Bridge. It's a lot like sex. If you don't have a great partner, you'd better have a good hand." Barry Weiss, Storage Wars
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus Cole, Babylon 5, "A Late Delivery From Avalon"
"I aim to misbehave." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein
“If you think you can or think you cannot, you are correct.” - Henry Ford