Monday, February 17, 2014

Sound Effects

Dusty was recently diagnosed with tinnitis, a condition where he hears sound when none is present, accompanied by mild hearing loss. ("See, dear? I really CAN'T hear you ask me to take out the trash!")

Most of the time he can deal with it, but at night, when all is quiet, it can get very annoying, to the point it interferes with his ability to fall asleep. His doctor recommended that he try white noise generators. My husband went looking for "white noise" and found two he really likes that seem to work.

One is the sound of rushing wind that makes me think of snowstorms. Since Delaware can get very windy, this doesn't bother me in the least.

The other one, though...

The other one...

Well, let's just say that there are certain consequences to being over forty.

The other night Dusty found it difficult to fall asleep, so he turned on the other noise. So I'm cuddled under the blankets, half asleep, when I hear the faintest whisper, the dulcet tones, the sound of the life-blood of the world.

Yup. Water.

Do you know what happens to an over-forty woman when she's curled up in bed, half asleep, and hears water? It goes something like this:


Well, that's pleasant. I can sleep to that.


I should probably ask him to turn it down. It's a little loud.


There's this sudden pressure...


A slowly growing need...


One that cannot be denied.

Damn it. I have to pee.

Of course, you argue with yourself. You just went, what, ten minutes ago? Not even a tiny pee-sized bladder could fill that quickly. But, no. The urge is there, and you'd better get your butt out of bed and on the toilet, because it's not going to let up any time soon. You certainly aren't going to sleep until your bladder is appeased. So off you go, grumbling under your breath, park your behind on the freezing toilet seat and learn that trickle down doesn't only apply to economics, because really, bladder? Really? You bugged me for six drops?

Ugh.

So you clean up, climb back under the nice warm covers, and soon...





Duuude.. You have got to be kidding me.

Meanwhile, your husband is lying there, wondering why the hell you're cursing his family to the umpteenth generation, totally forgetting they're your kids, too, because when you gotta go, you gotta go, but damn it you just WENT! 

Sigh.

So it's off to the toilet once more, where, suprise, suprise, the only thing that happens is you stub your toe on the cat.


You climb back into bed, wondering how quickly you'll be hopping back out again, when the hubby says, "You know, I can't sleep. I think I'll try the other noise."

Ah, the sweet sound of wind, sweet, sweet... wait...

As you turn over, you stare at your beloved and ask, "Did you just fart?"


5 comments:

Kat said...

I am on the floor laughing. So to real.

Laurie P said...

Except I'm the one with the white noise machine. And I use the ocean waves. And yes, I have to get up and pee at least once.

dlebrun said...

I have kept a fan by my bed year round since I was 23 and moved in with my, now, husband. He can't sleep with 'patterned' noise. Before that it was a 8 track/cassette player. Hehe, I show my age.
After surgery last year the nurse kept turning off the TV until I called her in and explained I meant to fall asleep with it on!

Dana Marie Bell said...

Dusty read this and got rid of the water one, lol! He's looking for alternatives. Flutes made his tinnitis worse, so that won't work. We're thinking cello music.

Anonymous said...

This might sound silly but I bought my mom one of those air purifiers & she says that works like a charm for her tinnitus (she also has storm music, rain & thunder, which totally freaks out my 2 yr old nephew, he's always screaming "stop the rain").

Favorite Quotes

"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." Ron White

"So let me get this straight. You want me to kill the little guys, kill the big guys, crowd control those I can't, buff the team, debuff the boss, keep myself alive, AND keep you alive, all while waving a stick and dressed in a towel?" - Anonymous Role Playing Gamer

"I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. The statement is, "Well, shit." - Varric, Dragon Age II

"Why is it all claws and guns? Can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey. Bunnies." - Joker, Mass Effect

"Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" - Dilbert


"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you." - Capt. Mal Reynolds

"It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly." - Flemeth, aka The Witch of the Wilds, Dragon Age 2

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'” - George Carlin

"I hear there's a wild bridge tournament down the street. And you know Bridge. It's a lot like sex. If you don't have a great partner, you'd better have a good hand." Barry Weiss, Storage Wars

"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus Cole, Babylon 5, "A Late Delivery From Avalon"

"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver." - Unknown

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein

“If you think you can or think you cannot, you are correct.” - Henry Ford