Sound Effects

Dusty was recently diagnosed with tinnitis, a condition where he hears sound when none is present, accompanied by mild hearing loss. ("See, dear? I really CAN'T hear you ask me to take out the trash!")

Most of the time he can deal with it, but at night, when all is quiet, it can get very annoying, to the point it interferes with his ability to fall asleep. His doctor recommended that he try white noise generators. My husband went looking for "white noise" and found two he really likes that seem to work.

One is the sound of rushing wind that makes me think of snowstorms. Since Delaware can get very windy, this doesn't bother me in the least.

The other one, though...

The other one...

Well, let's just say that there are certain consequences to being over forty.

The other night Dusty found it difficult to fall asleep, so he turned on the other noise. So I'm cuddled under the blankets, half asleep, when I hear the faintest whisper, the dulcet tones, the sound of the life-blood of the world.

Yup. Water.

Do you know what happens to an over-forty woman when she's curled up in bed, half asleep, and hears water? It goes something like this:

Well, that's pleasant. I can sleep to that.

I should probably ask him to turn it down. It's a little loud.

There's this sudden pressure...

A slowly growing need...

One that cannot be denied.

Damn it. I have to pee.

Of course, you argue with yourself. You just went, what, ten minutes ago? Not even a tiny pee-sized bladder could fill that quickly. But, no. The urge is there, and you'd better get your butt out of bed and on the toilet, because it's not going to let up any time soon. You certainly aren't going to sleep until your bladder is appeased. So off you go, grumbling under your breath, park your behind on the freezing toilet seat and learn that trickle down doesn't only apply to economics, because really, bladder? Really? You bugged me for six drops?

Ugh.

So you clean up, climb back under the nice warm covers, and soon...

Duuude.. You have got to be kidding me.

Meanwhile, your husband is lying there, wondering why the hell you're cursing his family to the umpteenth generation, totally forgetting they're your kids, too, because when you gotta go, you gotta go, but damn it you just WENT! 

Sigh.

So it's off to the toilet once more, where, suprise, suprise, the only thing that happens is you stub your toe on the cat.

You climb back into bed, wondering how quickly you'll be hopping back out again, when the hubby says, "You know, I can't sleep. I think I'll try the other noise."

Ah, the sweet sound of wind, sweet, sweet... wait...

As you turn over, you stare at your beloved and ask, "Did you just fart?"